Veteran Country and Western star Rowdy Giggs is making a rare appearance at this week's Glanvilles Wootton Festival, following his release from Fishpond Bottom Prison. The legendary singer - whose lifestyle is as colourful as his photograph - has served 40% of his sentence and is eligible for early release under the new government amnesty which aims to flood our towns with unreformed offenders as part of its High Street Crime Regeneration Scheme. "Growth in everything lies at the heart of all of our policies", explained local DHRA Representative Sewpa Major Itty, "and if that means more crime and more police officers to deal with more crime than so be it - it's a virtuous employment/recycling circle [minus the virtue] and part of the portfolio of measures designed to kick-start the Dorset economy".
Giggs, who prior to his arrest and conviction for serenading the public whilst in possession of a cowboy outfit, was listed as the Dorset C&W scene's 384th most popular performer. He was married to fellow C&W singer Burstin Nokkers prior to their divorce in 1958. During the far from amicable proceedings, Ms Nokkers cited "bathroom singing, failure adequately to deodorise and multiple online infidelities involving age-restricted Orinoco products" amongst the many grounds for separation.
Friends of Mr Giggs were quick to blame the former Mrs Giggs for the singers fall from grace [as well as from various bar-stools, stages and waggons] and some believe her directly responsible for his incarceration following a late night attempt to serenade a woman he believed to be her beneath a first floor window in a cul-de-sac in Throop. Mr Giggs agent at the time - Threadbone Artiste Managment's Louis Washoutte - denied accompanying the star on the banjolele, though both their names were quickly removed from the Agency's website [HERE]
STOP PRESS:
Following a shooting at the Fishpond Bottom Arena, C&W superstar Rowdy Giggs has been taken back into custody, under suspicion of injuring several ears during his appearance at the Festival. One attendee - Ronald Fart of Tower, Republican Road, Dewish - was about to get in a round of drinks when he felt "a stinging pain in my right ear" followed by "a spattering of blood on my collar". "I thought I had been shot but it now seems that my ear drum had burst - the result of standing too close to a loudspeaker during Giggs' high voltage reprise of his signature tune If I Knew You Were Coming I'd Have Bought A Gun". A defiant Mr Fart gave two fingers to the crowd before vowing to "fight" anyone who beat him to the beer tent.
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