Peaky Viewing Figures

The eagerly anticipated 5th series of thrupiecetv's smash-hit Peaky Patients - the hard hitting story of medical rivalry between gangs of mercenary doctors set in the 1920s Dorset -arrives on our screens tomorrow and excitement levels couldn't be higher. Fans of the show - Coe Dean and Anne Fetamine - left breathless by Series 4's ultra-annoying cliffhanger (is Dr Tommy Shelford really "otherwise engaged" or will he self-medicate in time to get to Trickett's Cross to agitate Pol's swollen oven top muffins?) simply cannot wait for the show to air at 8pm [CDT] on Thursday.

Sissy Rounhandle (Asda Thornton-Selection) on set filming the new series. In an efffort to ensure authenticity all members of the cast were enrolled in the University of Afpuddle's medical degree course. After four week's intensive training and a low-cost loan of £28,000 each is now a fully qualified doctor.

Star Celeac Morphine is on record as saying this was the hardest series to film so far, but has gone on to say he believes it's the best. "This was the hardest series to film so far, but I believe it's the best", he told reporters at the press launch.

In good news for fans, thrupiecetv have confirmed that Pamela Anderson-Shelter (Arthur Shelford), Finnan Haddock (Michael Greengills), Sissy Rounhandle (Asda Thornton-Selection) and Helenov Troyry (Polly Greengills) are all set to return. Kate Phillips-Screwhead once again appears as Arthur’s spiritualist wife Leonora, alongside audience favourite Nutella O’Tits (Dizzie Starling) .

Tight-lipped producers have so far given little away, but it is believed that Series 5 follows on from where Series 4 finished. Tommy, now married to Dizzie Starling is busy trying to expand the Toller Fratrum practice but encounters opposition from better-financed local rivals The Toller Fratrum Medical Centre. Undaunted - and with the promise of support from London-based cartel The Threadbare Pharmaceutical Corporation - Tommy urges brother Arthur to kick his Strictly Come Dancing addition and rejoin "the firm". Meanwhile young Michael, eager to prove he can compete with the best, invests in a MDS 18L Vacuum Autoclave [£2,874.17 - available from all good medical equipment suppliers eg Threadbone Medical Equipment Suppliers Ltd - cashback on your old machine] and argues with his mother Polly about the potential health benefits of upping the 5 a day diet regime to 6. Asda looks good in a nurse's uniform (very nice indeed but a bit more cleavage please) and - in an unexpectedly comedic departure - Dizzie (now on reception) reveals she can't stand the sight of people with illnesses!

SPOILER ALERT: The series ends on a cliffhanger.

Iconic poster for thrupiecetv's Peaky Patients which airs tomorrow and is expected to reach an audience of over 320.