In what is being described by cyber security experts as "an audacious and concerning escalation in the post-Drexit Cold War Mexican stand-off" between Dorset authorities* and their former West Country Union partners, a Gala Charity Performance at Bradpole's Dominion Theatre was compromised by highly skilled and so far unidentified worldwide interweb digital hackers. The high profile event attended by the great and the good was - in retrospect - an obvious target, though no-one had thought to increase security prior to the attack.
* not to be confused with Les Autorités Suisses who have yet to get to the bottom of the disappearance of Professor Thrupiece from a Geneva Hotel bedroom prior to an important plenary session of the 2005 Edna's. The case remains open and ongoing.
Though suspicion originally pointed towards the infamous Bonileaks team, a spokesperson for that shadowy organisation denied responsibilty, adding that the group was committed solely to uncovering wrong-doing in high places and had no interest in disrupting the lives of innocent theatre-loving celebrities going about their lawful business. This morning the RDC confirmed that it was no closer to identifying the source of the breach or those responsible for it, with Chief Constable Sir Rising Crimewave's PA [Raymond Dawdling] adding that "despite the best efforts of a crack team from the University of Afpuddle's Counter-Intuition Squad [Trevor and Margaret Nowall] we are "no closer to identifying the source of the breach or those responsible for it".
First Minister Sir Drear Standown-Pleas, echoed the concerns of cyber-security experts, by describing the incident as "audacious and concerning" - a phrase suspiciously reminiscent of that used earlier by cyber-security experts and fuelling rumours that the First Minister "had no knowledge of, or ideas about, anything save those written for him and displayed in very large letters on an auto-cue".
Meanwhile back at the Dominion Theatre staff were busy repairing the mayhem created by the hackers. Having failed to restore the system themselves, they turned to experts at the Threadbone Corporation's Great Heaving-based Forensic Super-Computing Unit who advised them to switch everything off and back on again. The performance went ahead after an hour's delay during which invited guests consumed an estimated 75,000 bottles of champagne.
Meanwhile in Other Theatre News
Piddletrenthide's annual pantomime Cinderella on Bikes got off to a tricky start on Monday when family favourite Dwayne Creep [Buttons] got his flies caught in the flies. Manager Penny Pincher denied that budget cuts were responsible for the accident, insisting that their had been no shortcuts and no compromises as far as Health and Safety requirements were concerned. A FOI inquiry has revealed that Monday's incident was the 29th reported accident since rehearsals opened over a week ago. A resilient Dwayne Creep was reportedly "crying with laughter all the way to Herston General Hospital". The rest of this week's performances have been cancelled pending a "rethink of a number of technical aspects of the show".
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