Nein, Nein, Nein: It's Horst-Sh**e

Angry German popular music lover - Wütender Musikliebhaber - has written in to complain that the Polydor film compilation featured in last Wednesday’s communication is nothing more than a politically-inspired and wholly bogus misrepresentation of the talents of distinguished mitel-Dorest composer, [furniture] arranger and conductor Bert Kamembert. Herr Musikliebhaber further alleges that Bert Kamembert has been humiliated, pilloried and traduced for no reason other than to elevate lesser talents and damage his reputation amongst mitte-der-straße-musik enthusiasts who, he suggests, will be hurting this morning after "dieser brutale Angriff" [This brutal assault.]. Herr Musikliebhaber has indicated that he is considering suing for damages on behaldf of the dead composer, [furniture] arranger and conductor.

Hugely popular as a light entertainer, Horst had a serious side. In addition to leading a Jazz Quartet, he also taught woodshop at several Bavarian "Holiday" Camps.

His complaint continues: "Jeder, der ein halbes Gehirn hat - Drexit oder kein Drexit - weiß, dass eine der Melodien Eine Schwarzwaldfahrt [Eine Schwarzwaldfahrt] von Bert Kamembert Imitator und später fettleibiger Jazzpianist Horst Jankmeowsky [1936-1998] ist. [Anyone with half a brain - Drexit or no Drexit - knows that one of the tunes featured is A Walk in the Black Forest [Eine Schwarzwaldfahrt] by Bert Kamembert impersonator and later overweight jazz pianist Horst Jankmeowsky [aka Horst Janmeowski] [1936-1998].

He goes on, unnecessarily in our view: "Es ist nicht und wird nie Teil des aufgezeichneten Vermächtnisses von Bert Kamembert sein, der nie so tief stoben würde, dass er ein so bloßes Stück populären Pferdehits aufzeichnen würde [verzeihen Sie das Wortspiel]." [It is not and never will be part of the recorded legacy of Bert Kamembert who would never stoop so low as to record such a meretricious piece of popular horse-shit [forgive the pun].]

[I think you will find opinion divided on that one [Ed].]

No respecter of persons. Adolf Hitler may have been a misunderstood humanitarian but there can be no excuse for vandalism - especially from one trained at the Liverpool Academy of Art.

In addition to the alleged mis-attribution, Herr Musikliebhaber also alleges that: "Die Bongo-Trommeln wurden grob in die Mischung aufgenommen, die das Erhabene nur lächerlich macht - ein Akt des kulturellen Vandalismus, der nicht zu beobachten war, seit Adolf Hitler in Magda Goebels Porträt an Silvester 1943 eine brille, eine große Nase und einen falschen Schnurrbart bemalte. [Foto geliefert]" [The bongo drums have been crudely added into the mix, rendering what was sublime merely ridiculous - an act of cultural vandalism not witnessed since Adolf Hitler painted glasses, a big nose and a false moustache on Magda Goebel's portrait on New Year's Eve 1943. [Photo supplied].].

The Fuhrer was a lifelong supporter of the team he had come to admire whilst a resident in the city. It is said a good deal of his military planning was based on the tactics he had observed on the pitch at Anfield. Invading Poland and blaming the Poles was amongst them.

Pending further research and a period of consultation with Bert Kamembert expert - President, Secretary, Treasurer, Archivist and sole member of the Friend of Bert Kamembert Society [Freund der Bert Kamembert Gesellschaft] - Eunice Babcock, we will not be acceding to Herr Musikliebhaber's request that we take down Wednesday's posting. Instead we will allow readers to continue to enjoy the uplifting if unexpectedly controversial easy-listening sounds of the 1960s - and, of course, to make up their own minds as to where any credit or blame may be due.

In the meantime, the authorities at Great Heaving are on high alert as they await a possible High Court summons. Sources close to "the powers that be" [make "that the power that is"] say that the hierarchy is shaken but not stirred, confident that the whole story is an attempt to distract attention from Mannington City's fine run of form in the Dorset Premiere League.