There was shock, consternation and not a little embarrassment today at Alma Mater College, Cambridge when Fellow for Bread, Circuses and Burying Bad News Ai Robot de-Nero announced that 24 Porters had resigned and that standard tickets for the forthcoming May Ball would be priced at a staggering £7,200 per person [formal snacks not included]. Customisable Executive Packages which include an all-night finger buffet, running water [tap only, bottled and sparkling extra] rest room access and free parking [but not the Entertainment Package add-on*] will also be available on a first-come-first-served basis starting at £11,000 per person.
* Details of the entertainment package have yet to be confirmed but professorthrupiece.com has learned that the headline act in the Pyramid Marquee [Fellows Garden if wet] is slated to be Ziggy and the Boners' tribute act Zippy and the Erections together with support bands The Mavis Tuttle Trio, The Doris Slocombe Washboard Trio [Tea Dance Specialists [Management and Booking details HERE] and comedian Harry Hillman-Impe.
Student Union President Eton Slow-Cumme confessed to some unease regarding the affordability of the Ball for current students. "Many", he said, "are living on or near the breadline with little prospect of support from parents now forced to pay increased VAT-fuelled school fees for younger siblings". "As recently as a two years ago it was possible to fund a ticket by planning ahead and reducing one’s weekly cocktail intake over the Term but now even measures as drastic as this are unlikely to yield the necessary capital”.
"That said", JCR Jousting, Pillow Fights and Getting Bladdered Officer - Dorma Torry conceded, "the ball remains very good investment opportunity for a young man in a hurry. As always, if you can wave a ticket at a passing female you are likely to get laid and with the price of prostitution being what it is, I would say a May Ball ticket remains jolly good value for money. One just has to be careful to ensure that the passing female isn’t one’s sister, of course. As with everything else in the college, diversity, inclusion and equal opportunity directives have rather put paid to that old May Ball trick".
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