Sources close to Dorset Chief Constable Sir Rising Crimewave admitted this morning that thieves may have "had the last laugh" following an incident during the night in Fifehead Magdalen.
Only yesterday developments in this rapidly moving story saw the village tree festooned with Christmas lights following a gesture of great kindness from the Threadbone Corporation which, hearing of the theft of the village's more modest Christmas display bulbs, dispatched both festive lights and staff to the Dorset beauty spot in an effort to restore good cheer. Such was the scale of the accomplishment that Sir Rising was moved to express some scepticism as to whether the thieves - who have yet to be apprehended - could do anything to dampen the new-found cheer. His widely-reported statement that he would "like to see the miserable bastards try to steal these!" seems to have been taken as something of a challenge.
In what must have been a roller-coaster of a ride emotionally, villagers awoke this morning to find not only the lights, but the entire tree gone. Clearly distraught and unusually forthright in her language, Parish Councillor and Honorary Treasurer Mrs Winifrid Tighte-Wadd was clear about the extent of the devastation. "Not only is Christmas fxxxxd, but The William Tell Festival in April and The Hang the Vicar Pageant in June are all in serious doubt. It's a blow and no mistake".
Sir Rising was unavailable for comment and is believed to be on a tour of arboriculturists and plant nurseries somewhere near Lower Mannington. Sources close to the Chief Constable told reporters that he was showing particular interest in rapidly growing varieties.
The sorry scene. Fifehead Magdalen residents know what it is to have loved and lost. Dorset Chief Constable Sir Rising Crimewave who has vowed to catch and punish the thieves responsible was unavailable for comment today.
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